Let’s be French

A friend recently pointed out, only half jestingly, that I was opinionated and judgmental.

Another one said I was not social and friendly and my ‘well-meaning’ sister is always quick to add that I am moody and sulky. My husband, I notice, while he never adds to the long list of my apparent unfriendliness, nods rather vigorously.

So I only recently realised that I don’t come across as the sunshiny, warm, genial person I see myself as in my head.

This is why I think I should move to France and hang out with French people. Their decided unfriendliness, their obvious (apparently) disregard for going out of their way to be pleasant or even cordial.

And that was always the plan- to move to France and marry Pierre.

It would be a marvellous dinner party.

Finest silver, champagne and canapés.

Air kisses.

Jazz will play in the background.

As the saxophonist takes his spot for his solo performance, the cork will pop, I will laugh delicately, wave a garcon down and the watery afternoon sun would catch my Chopard ring and throw myriad broken sparkles across the ceiling.

Aah my champagne flute runneth over!

This would be my engagement party.

My betrothal to Pierre.

My future husband.

The French one.

I often tell/warn my husband, my current, Indian husband that is, that I will leave him when I find my French dreamboat. He smiles indulgently.

And besides being a one-way ticket to Paris, it would mean a cultural awakening (it’s a great reason to get married); romance, fashion, French croissant, and me and P walking hand-in-hand along the Champs Elysee, dancing under the fashionable French skies, sipping cafe at the local bistro.

Le sigh!

I am of course little wary of the French people, since stereotype has it that they're quite snooty.

But if you’ve met me, you’ll know that I am not the most social person.

I don’t chat up random people I meet.

I don’t share confidences in the vegetable aisle at the local Pazhamudir Cholai, with the nosy Mylapore maami.

I won’t attempt to break the awkward silence if we’re the only two people locked in a room for two years.

I will not even offer a comment to the old man who is talking to me about the weather as we work out on neighbouring treadmills.

If I am feeling friendly, I might acknowledge with a sage nod.

Sometimes I even introduce myself as Priyanka, in case telling you my real name, gives you a false sense of familiarity.

So don’t expect me to welcome you into my world with open arms just because you helped carry my groceries, baked me a cake, saved my life.

Because my philosophy is ‘I have enough people in my life, I don’t need more’.

But other than that I am quite friendly.

Which is why I think I will get along rather well with P and his peers.

Because there would be no awkward silences.

We will get through a two-hour lunch with just the harmony of the silverware and the graceful shuffling of our maids, housekeepers and attendants (are they still employed?).

Our conversation would go as such (pardon my French...literally):

Ami 1: Ma cherie, la blah, le bleh?
Moi: Oui

Ami 2: Bordeaux.Chanel.
Moi: Le lovely

Ami 3: Un, deux, trois.
Moi: Voila

See how well that went?

So if your French husband ever throws you a dinner party and you have to make polite conversation, and the only way you can be social is after a couple of Dom Perignons, don’t worry, here are a few handy tips.

Now don’t worry if your French is not as good as mine, just talk in English, throw in a few les and las, elongate the i and the e, and if you really want to be emphatic, the enthusiastic Indian gesticulating never fails.

Safe zones:
1. The weather- very safe conversation, no chances of you offending the hosts there with your broken French.

2. Food- compliment the choice of food, because the French die for the approval of foreigners, especially where gourmet cuisine is concerned.

3. Wine – let loose your inner-sommelier, even if you have no expertise with fine wines, just draw on all the experiences with Kalyani beer, Golconda wine and No.1 McDowells. But this is holy ground, so tread carefully, we don’t want an international incident.

4. Politics- so you know nothing about French politics? No problem. Just drop a few names of your local thug...err...politician.

Let’s give it a shot shall we?

French person: Le how are you? (All this is spoken in French, translated for your benefit)
You: La weather...tres bien. Le Madras, only le summer.

French person 2: I love la Indian cinema. Are you le actress?
You: Le escargot eeees magnifique...

French person 3: You are tres beautiful.
You: I love le arrack.

French person 4: Are you enjoying le France?
You: Carla Bruni. Le Mayawathi.

This is a mere tip of le proverbial iceberg. I will start classes soon.